Meet the Lockdown Laureate - 10 of the best viral verses from Mark Graham
One of the incidental pleasures of the pandemic has been unexpected online encounters with new people. Eight weeks ago I didn’t know Mark Graham. Now he’s a friend and one of my favourite poets. He kindly emails me a poem and I either put it on Twitter (if it is short enough to fit) or perform it for my followers on Twitter and on Instagram - if I can find an appropriate jumper to wear while speaking the poem.
Mark Graham was born in Hong Kong, raised on the Lakes, worked worldwide and settled in Surrey. He is now, he tells me, ‘a wanting (or should it be wanton) wordsmith.’
I’d say he’s a wise and witty wordsmith. I’ve dubbed him "‘the Lockdown Laureate”. Here’s a top ten of his viral verses. Enjoy!
Living under lockdown can be fraught
And teaching tetchy kids can leave one taut
This morning though I’m feeling rather fine
The tonic could have been that breakfast wine
The children are an energetic bunch
Confined inside they tend to bite and punch
I like to stop behaviour of this kind
But wine at lunch time leaves me less inclined
At best of times the bath routine and bed
Are daily tasks that I approach with dread
By contrast I am floating on cloud nine
That bottle with my tea was quite sublime
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I’m absolutely bushed
I’m sure I will be sick
A daily hour of exercise
I do that in a week!
Should I be getting fitter
But it doesn’t feel that way
I better grab some chips and coke
And have a duvet day
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Everyone’s being really weird
My life’s turned upside down
When I got up this afternoon
My mother barely frowned
She told me I should stay inside
Play video games all day
She said I mustn’t go outside
Nor have my friends to stay
Something strange is going on
My dad’s stopped going to work
My sister hasn’t left the house
The dog is going berserk
And no one’s said a thing about
The banner they’ve unfurled
Thank goodness things are normal in
My on-line virtual world
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My beds have all been seeded
And weeded where it’s needed
My gardening has exceeded
All my most ambitious plans
So the virus has succeeded
Where my diary once impeded
Can’t stop, the dough needs kneaded
Then I’ve got to check the flans
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Yippee, hurrah, hip hip hurray
The schools have all closed down
No more English, no more Maths
I’m off to paint the town
What’s that you say, school’s now online
I’ve got to stay inside
Do all my lessons virtually
Oh this I can’t abide
What’s more I’m really in a spot
Can’t use my best excuse
The dog it ate my homework Miss
Is no more bloody use!
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As lockdown stretches out for weeks
I worry about growth
Not the economic sort
My hair, it’s heading south
The locks extend unevenly
In places there’s regression
Though output’s increased at the back
The front is in recession
My mane is normally deepest red
I’d rather it were black
But in the current marketplace
It’s colouring I lack
No time for timid action
Strike while the iron is hot
I’ve got to make some serious cuts
I’m shaving off the lot
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Parties set two swords apart
Promoting reason and debate
Have now despite a common foe
Found need to further separate
And yet outside this ancient place
Fighting the virus with a two sword space
Rather than us alienate
It gives us cause to tighten our embrace
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Computer model forecasts
Are a source of much discussion
With ranges of uncertainty which
Leave statisticians blushing
But make a simple query
Like ‘my beach trip, can I go?’
Without a hint of hesitation
The computer, it says ‘no’
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It used to be so easy
Swipe left and left then right
Exchange your contact details
Arrange the first date night
A meeting somewhere with a crowd
To get some solid proof
The photo posted on his site
Is somewhere near the truth
Now of course the face to face
Is generally done on Zoom
The great advantage being
You’re in his living room
Is he still at home with Mum
Has he failed to hide his wife
High alert, look at that dirt
Swipe left again, that’s life
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I couldn’t buy a face mask
So I thought I’d make my own
Nothing flashy, understated,
Something for around the home
Tested paper, cotton, even silk
Crafting several facial spans
In the end I hit on leather
Watching ‘Silence of the Lambs’